Here are some Sharpies. Go draw on Mommy's kitchen walls.
When you let your toddler type for you as you are posting on my Facebook wall and then instead of deleting the gibberish that one would expect to come from a toddler's hands getting a hold of a keyboard, you opt to post said gibberish on my wall anyway. And then you take it a step further by—instead of realizing your mistake and saving yourself from public humiliation by immediately deleting the nonsensical post—posting an addendum announcing to the world that you gave your toddler access to Facebook in the first place. If you're not going to replace my puke-covered keyboard, please at least stop cluttering my Facebook wall. POMK.
If you're as mediocre of a musician as you are a person...
When a person you barely know and have not talked to in years uses Facebook to suggest you become a "fan" of her musician profile. Yes, remember that mediocre crooning she used to do? Apparently that was music! And now she's decided to become a musician. Awesome career move.
Now, you would think that if your music really isn't my thing, I could just politely ignore the request to become your "fan," right? Nope! Not when you're this full of yourself. Say hello to THREE more requests sent after each time I ignored the last request. Hey, I think I've discovered a better career for you than music! It's selling Viagra by email. POMK.
Now, you would think that if your music really isn't my thing, I could just politely ignore the request to become your "fan," right? Nope! Not when you're this full of yourself. Say hello to THREE more requests sent after each time I ignored the last request. Hey, I think I've discovered a better career for you than music! It's selling Viagra by email. POMK.
Hard to stop puking on my keyboard
Managers who signal to their employees that a decision is final by appending it with the phrase "Hard stop." As in, "We're not negotiating with them at those prices. Hard stop." Because there's no better way to signal you have absolutely no way to justify your actions and are completely clueless than to utter, "Hard stop." POMK.
Congratulations, you're a douchebag!
When you announce your engagement to the world for the first time by changing your Facebook relationship status to "engaged" and publishing that story on your newsfeed. Sorry, but I'm not going to send my felicitations via a Facebook comment. POMK
I suggest you take your fingers out of your Harvard-drop-out ass.
The new Facebook "Suggestions" section, in which Facebook highlights one of my "friends" and points out that the two of us "haven't talked on Facebook lately" so I should poke him/her. Not only is it sickening that Facebook thinks it has any authority on whom I should be poking in my personal life, but the feature usually reminds me of people I despise, whom I have only stayed Facebook "friends" with so I can keep tabs on how shitty their lives are compared to mine. POMK.
Rather not be linked in with you.
When a person who could not even handle a 4-month temp job that involved basically monkey work surfaces on LinkedIn a year later begging for attention by "recommending" a supervisor at that company. Never mind that you were fired for goofing off, talking back to another supervisor, and in general pissing off the entire team with your shoddy work and lack of effort. You're on a great ol' pedestal now, Mr. Recommender, doling out your wise evaluations.
When you write this glowing review about your supervisor, highlighting how you were "impressed by his ability to lead" and his "willingness to assist us with advice and guidance related to the tasks at hand," what do you think you're actually saying about his character? Apparently, "his character speaks volumes to his abilities as a leader." But does he need to hear that from you, really?
But think, will an outside party, perusing this supervisor's profile (who in fact happens to be excellent at his job, unlike you)--will this outside party be impressed that he was recommended by this former employee whose term at the company was 4 months? Or that this former employee has listed no employment subsequent to that, despite its being a year and a half since it concluded and implying that his belligerent, prickish ass has not managed to find itself a job yet? I guess not.
But in case they are unsure, this outside party can be reassured that your "administrative experiences have deepened and widened [your] capabilities as a self-motivated, multi-faceted, and efficient team player," according to the professional summary on your profile. Maybe they'll also buy that line about your "strong work ethic" (I'm feeling sick) or your "drive to excellence" (sicker). Or then again, maybe they'll just dismiss all that as a bunch of self-gratifying bullshit jargon that makes no sense. I recommend they choose the latter. POMK.
When you write this glowing review about your supervisor, highlighting how you were "impressed by his ability to lead" and his "willingness to assist us with advice and guidance related to the tasks at hand," what do you think you're actually saying about his character? Apparently, "his character speaks volumes to his abilities as a leader." But does he need to hear that from you, really?
But think, will an outside party, perusing this supervisor's profile (who in fact happens to be excellent at his job, unlike you)--will this outside party be impressed that he was recommended by this former employee whose term at the company was 4 months? Or that this former employee has listed no employment subsequent to that, despite its being a year and a half since it concluded and implying that his belligerent, prickish ass has not managed to find itself a job yet? I guess not.
But in case they are unsure, this outside party can be reassured that your "administrative experiences have deepened and widened [your] capabilities as a self-motivated, multi-faceted, and efficient team player," according to the professional summary on your profile. Maybe they'll also buy that line about your "strong work ethic" (I'm feeling sick) or your "drive to excellence" (sicker). Or then again, maybe they'll just dismiss all that as a bunch of self-gratifying bullshit jargon that makes no sense. I recommend they choose the latter. POMK.
Have a safe Halloween! Just make sure you don't run into me.
When people wish their friends a "safe Halloween" or "safe holiday season". Some well wishing sentiments are kind, and some are condescending. This fits in to the latter category.
If in fact your friend is in danger of having an unsafe Halloween, you are being a douchebag by pointing it out to her entire friends list. Plus, I doubt your status comment is going to pop into her mind in the middle of the party. If you really cared about your friend, maybe you should hang out with her and supervise her all night, you patronizing asshole.
If in fact your friend is in danger of having an unsafe Halloween, you are being a douchebag by pointing it out to her entire friends list. Plus, I doubt your status comment is going to pop into her mind in the middle of the party. If you really cared about your friend, maybe you should hang out with her and supervise her all night, you patronizing asshole.
If your friend is not the drinking/partying type and is probably going to stay in and watch movies, why are you saying this? Is it because using tool-like expressions have become so commonplace that people just write without thinking? Somebody save me. POMK.
It's not called Pee On My Keyboard, moron
When you wake up in the middle of the night, still so drugged up and drunk that you mistake your girlfriend's laptop for a toilet, open it up like a toilet seat, and then proceed to urinate onto it until it explodes.
POM (contaminated, charred) K.
I have my own reading recommendation for you.
When people try to appear very worldly by making mass book recommendations via their Facebook statuses but they're really just announcing that they are sappy tools.
For example: "[Redacted] just finished a good read! For all you readers this is a must: Still Alice by Lisa Genova...but you must not mind stained pages from tear drops!!!" O RLY!?! Let's do a little textual analysis on this. First of all, what exactly do you mean by "all you readers"? Do you mean all people who are literate? If so, I find it rather presumptuous for you to assume that if people are literate, they will share the same literary tastes as a pregnant woman from the Central Valley. Secondly, I am pretty sure you are crying because you are pregnant and this is no indication whatsoever of the book's literary merit. Lastly, I propose a hypothetical: let's say a long lost Facebook friend in Canada takes you up on your implied offer to loan out your copy; are you really going to mail the book away? Hey, I have my own reading recommendation for you! It's this blog, and I hope it makes you cry, too.
POMK.
For example: "[Redacted] just finished a good read! For all you readers this is a must: Still Alice by Lisa Genova...but you must not mind stained pages from tear drops!!!" O RLY!?! Let's do a little textual analysis on this. First of all, what exactly do you mean by "all you readers"? Do you mean all people who are literate? If so, I find it rather presumptuous for you to assume that if people are literate, they will share the same literary tastes as a pregnant woman from the Central Valley. Secondly, I am pretty sure you are crying because you are pregnant and this is no indication whatsoever of the book's literary merit. Lastly, I propose a hypothetical: let's say a long lost Facebook friend in Canada takes you up on your implied offer to loan out your copy; are you really going to mail the book away? Hey, I have my own reading recommendation for you! It's this blog, and I hope it makes you cry, too.
POMK.
The gchat "block" feature was designed with you in mind
When you begin your gchat conversation by simply typing one word: the pornographic word for "penis". Then, when the reasonably shocked party does not respond, you follow it up with: "HUGE cock". You are a disgusting, sick individual. POMK.
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