Showing posts with label That's so interesting NOT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label That's so interesting NOT. Show all posts
Poll: Are you a douchebag or a Douchebag?
When, in reply to someone's status update conducting the simple poll of which of two smartphones performs better, a person posts a Sophie's Choice-length anecdote on her own personal dilemma of deciding between the two and does not actually have any personal experience with using either to share. I am pretty sure the poll was intended for actual owners of the phones and their associates to weigh in constructively. No one needs to know that you have been planning to use your unemployment money to buy a shiny new smartphone, which you presumably need to keep your e-mail at your fingertips throughout your busy schedule of... gardening and jogging. No one needs to read twice that you have been "contemplating" the purchase, though you probably mentioned that the second time because your comment is so long that you forgot about the first time you typed it. Also, pieces of advice such as "go to the stores and play with them" or "check the data plan pricing" are not adequate substitutes for a user review because I am quite sure that the person conducting the poll is quite capable of thinking to test a phone and look at related costs before considering the purchase, thanks. See how Facebook truncates your comment and you have to click "See more" in order to read all of it? That is Facebook's way of telling you that you are a douche. POMK.
Proof: the "douche" requirement for As in law school
When you post a FB status during finals season that says your new nickname is "curve killer". Thanks for pointing out that you are a way better student than all of us. Because I couldn't have already guessed that based on the fact that you wake up before dawn so that you can be the first one to read new Supreme Court opinions published online. How do I know that? Another Facebook status you so obligingly bestowed upon all your FB friends and lowly classmates you've pushed to the bottom of the curve. Thank goodness I don't have any classes with you this year. POMK.
If you're as mediocre of a musician as you are a person...
When a person you barely know and have not talked to in years uses Facebook to suggest you become a "fan" of her musician profile. Yes, remember that mediocre crooning she used to do? Apparently that was music! And now she's decided to become a musician. Awesome career move.
Now, you would think that if your music really isn't my thing, I could just politely ignore the request to become your "fan," right? Nope! Not when you're this full of yourself. Say hello to THREE more requests sent after each time I ignored the last request. Hey, I think I've discovered a better career for you than music! It's selling Viagra by email. POMK.
Now, you would think that if your music really isn't my thing, I could just politely ignore the request to become your "fan," right? Nope! Not when you're this full of yourself. Say hello to THREE more requests sent after each time I ignored the last request. Hey, I think I've discovered a better career for you than music! It's selling Viagra by email. POMK.
Rather not be linked in with you.
When a person who could not even handle a 4-month temp job that involved basically monkey work surfaces on LinkedIn a year later begging for attention by "recommending" a supervisor at that company. Never mind that you were fired for goofing off, talking back to another supervisor, and in general pissing off the entire team with your shoddy work and lack of effort. You're on a great ol' pedestal now, Mr. Recommender, doling out your wise evaluations.
When you write this glowing review about your supervisor, highlighting how you were "impressed by his ability to lead" and his "willingness to assist us with advice and guidance related to the tasks at hand," what do you think you're actually saying about his character? Apparently, "his character speaks volumes to his abilities as a leader." But does he need to hear that from you, really?
But think, will an outside party, perusing this supervisor's profile (who in fact happens to be excellent at his job, unlike you)--will this outside party be impressed that he was recommended by this former employee whose term at the company was 4 months? Or that this former employee has listed no employment subsequent to that, despite its being a year and a half since it concluded and implying that his belligerent, prickish ass has not managed to find itself a job yet? I guess not.
But in case they are unsure, this outside party can be reassured that your "administrative experiences have deepened and widened [your] capabilities as a self-motivated, multi-faceted, and efficient team player," according to the professional summary on your profile. Maybe they'll also buy that line about your "strong work ethic" (I'm feeling sick) or your "drive to excellence" (sicker). Or then again, maybe they'll just dismiss all that as a bunch of self-gratifying bullshit jargon that makes no sense. I recommend they choose the latter. POMK.
When you write this glowing review about your supervisor, highlighting how you were "impressed by his ability to lead" and his "willingness to assist us with advice and guidance related to the tasks at hand," what do you think you're actually saying about his character? Apparently, "his character speaks volumes to his abilities as a leader." But does he need to hear that from you, really?
But think, will an outside party, perusing this supervisor's profile (who in fact happens to be excellent at his job, unlike you)--will this outside party be impressed that he was recommended by this former employee whose term at the company was 4 months? Or that this former employee has listed no employment subsequent to that, despite its being a year and a half since it concluded and implying that his belligerent, prickish ass has not managed to find itself a job yet? I guess not.
But in case they are unsure, this outside party can be reassured that your "administrative experiences have deepened and widened [your] capabilities as a self-motivated, multi-faceted, and efficient team player," according to the professional summary on your profile. Maybe they'll also buy that line about your "strong work ethic" (I'm feeling sick) or your "drive to excellence" (sicker). Or then again, maybe they'll just dismiss all that as a bunch of self-gratifying bullshit jargon that makes no sense. I recommend they choose the latter. POMK.
I have my own reading recommendation for you.
When people try to appear very worldly by making mass book recommendations via their Facebook statuses but they're really just announcing that they are sappy tools.
For example: "[Redacted] just finished a good read! For all you readers this is a must: Still Alice by Lisa Genova...but you must not mind stained pages from tear drops!!!" O RLY!?! Let's do a little textual analysis on this. First of all, what exactly do you mean by "all you readers"? Do you mean all people who are literate? If so, I find it rather presumptuous for you to assume that if people are literate, they will share the same literary tastes as a pregnant woman from the Central Valley. Secondly, I am pretty sure you are crying because you are pregnant and this is no indication whatsoever of the book's literary merit. Lastly, I propose a hypothetical: let's say a long lost Facebook friend in Canada takes you up on your implied offer to loan out your copy; are you really going to mail the book away? Hey, I have my own reading recommendation for you! It's this blog, and I hope it makes you cry, too.
POMK.
For example: "[Redacted] just finished a good read! For all you readers this is a must: Still Alice by Lisa Genova...but you must not mind stained pages from tear drops!!!" O RLY!?! Let's do a little textual analysis on this. First of all, what exactly do you mean by "all you readers"? Do you mean all people who are literate? If so, I find it rather presumptuous for you to assume that if people are literate, they will share the same literary tastes as a pregnant woman from the Central Valley. Secondly, I am pretty sure you are crying because you are pregnant and this is no indication whatsoever of the book's literary merit. Lastly, I propose a hypothetical: let's say a long lost Facebook friend in Canada takes you up on your implied offer to loan out your copy; are you really going to mail the book away? Hey, I have my own reading recommendation for you! It's this blog, and I hope it makes you cry, too.
POMK.
I'm about to kick you off my friends list.
When a person whines profusely via his Facebook updates about being unemployed and trying to find work. I'm already feeling an acidic gurgle at the back of my throat but I have to continue.
Furthermore, when I am moved to help this person by telling him about open positions at my company, and he proceeds to Facebook chat me assuming that, despite my not having talked to him for 3 years, I for some reason care about his paranoid delusions regarding how he was kicked out of art school. Things like that don't happen to normal people. Oh, and thanks for asking me how I'm doing, which you didn't. POMK.
Furthermore, when I am moved to help this person by telling him about open positions at my company, and he proceeds to Facebook chat me assuming that, despite my not having talked to him for 3 years, I for some reason care about his paranoid delusions regarding how he was kicked out of art school. Things like that don't happen to normal people. Oh, and thanks for asking me how I'm doing, which you didn't. POMK.
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