Someone get this guy a mirror and paint it red!

When a person who is an unabashed misogynist* writes a Facebook status so long that Facebook had to truncate it (see final lines of "Poll: Are you a douchebag or a Douchebag?") calling people out for being "fucking bigots and ignoramuses". True, they may live in the "fly-over states" as you so imperiously put it, and you do not, but have you considered that you're just an entitled, blue state version of the people you hate? You began with the grandiose announcement that you were done with politics because of these people. Good! The world could use less skeevy people involved in that field. But now, I wish you'd be done writing pretentious, douchey Facebook statuses too. POMK.

*ie: insinuating that your ex girlfriend dumped your abusive, sniveling ass because she got off birth control and the "hormones" made her do it. Honey if that's not ignorant, I don't know what is.

Did you happen to find a new keyboard in one of those "boxs"?

When an adult takes the time to scan a Kindergarten class composite photo, upload it on Facebook, and tag everyone he is still "friends" with.

Especially when one of the untagged children pictured in the photo is now deceased, and is therefore unable to open a Facebook account and post on your Wall that you are a douchebag. Or make a clever comment about how the caption "I was going through some boxs my ex wife droped off. I happen to find some old pictures." clearly indicates that your literacy has not improved much since the photo was taken. Or ask why the hell someone in his early twenties is already divorced. I guess that explains why you have so much spare time, though.

POMK.

Same insults as yesteryear, now engraved on the internets forever

When you comment on your "friend's" innocent statuses with "ur fat as fuck, u can't even see ur dick", and when other kids find this so hilarious they spell out their laughter in all caps, saying it was "a good comeback". THIS dear readers, is why high school students should not be allowed on Facebook. POMK.

Rather not be linked in with you.

When a person who could not even handle a 4-month temp job that involved basically monkey work surfaces on LinkedIn a year later begging for attention by "recommending" a supervisor at that company. Never mind that you were fired for goofing off, talking back to another supervisor, and in general pissing off the entire team with your shoddy work and lack of effort. You're on a great ol' pedestal now, Mr. Recommender, doling out your wise evaluations.

When you write this glowing review about your supervisor, highlighting how you were "impressed by his ability to lead" and his "willingness to assist us with advice and guidance related to the tasks at hand," what do you think you're actually saying about his character? Apparently, "his character speaks volumes to his abilities as a leader." But does he need to hear that from you, really?

But think, will an outside party, perusing this supervisor's profile (who in fact happens to be excellent at his job, unlike you)--will this outside party be impressed that he was recommended by this former employee whose term at the company was 4 months? Or that this former employee has listed no employment subsequent to that, despite its being a year and a half since it concluded and implying that his belligerent, prickish ass has not managed to find itself a job yet? I guess not.

But in case they are unsure, this outside party can be reassured that your "administrative experiences have deepened and widened [your] capabilities as a self-motivated, multi-faceted, and efficient team player," according to the professional summary on your profile. Maybe they'll also buy that line about your "strong work ethic" (I'm feeling sick) or your "drive to excellence" (sicker). Or then again, maybe they'll just dismiss all that as a bunch of self-gratifying bullshit jargon that makes no sense. I recommend they choose the latter. POMK.

Have a safe Halloween! Just make sure you don't run into me.

When people wish their friends a "safe Halloween" or "safe holiday season". Some well wishing sentiments are kind, and some are condescending. This fits in to the latter category.

If in fact your friend is in danger of having an unsafe Halloween, you are being a douchebag by pointing it out to her entire friends list. Plus, I doubt your status comment is going to pop into her mind in the middle of the party. If you really cared about your friend, maybe you should hang out with her and supervise her all night, you patronizing asshole.

If your friend is not the drinking/partying type and is probably going to stay in and watch movies, why are you saying this? Is it because using tool-like expressions have become so commonplace that people just write without thinking? Somebody save me. POMK.

Lunchtime Intolerables Hour

When a certain person thinks he is being very clever by alerting his friends he will be unavailable due to "Lunchtime Consumables Hour," a phrase apparently deriving from his native language of Douche, or perhaps Welsh, which translates to, roughly, "I'm going to spend the next 35 minutes jerking myself off in the broom closet while you destroy your personal computer with cascades of vomit."

Thanks, D-bag, you just ruined my Lunchtime Consumables Hour. Someone please do something about my keyboard. And the broom closet. POMK.

Oslo, I'd like my prize now please.

When a large number of people, none of whom have ever done anything close to being worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize (yelling on TV doesn't count), decide that the first African-American President of the United States has done nothing to merit this prize. I would heartily beg them to reconsider. POMK.

Other synonyms: twit, tosser, douche nozzle

When you tweet cryptically about some yuppie-ass software so that you can feed your superiority complex despite how your already being renowned on the "interwebz" for your douchebaggery is bad enough. This is only COMPOUNDED by the fact that said program/software/who-gives-a-shit is entitled "Git." I don't know what "Git" does, nor do I care, but the fact that the WALKING DEFINITION of a "git" (git n. A pubescent kid who thinks it's totally cool to act like a moron on the Internet, only because no one can actually reach through the screen and punch their lights out.) wrote a tweet with multiple uses of the word brings the circle of irony to completion. POMK.

Submitted by Élise Dashiell.

He'll gladly photograph you sleeping at home, also.

When a certain person thinks he will earn the adulation of his peers for his creativity and quick wit by taking pictures of people sleeping on the train and/or taking up an extra seat during his daily commute, then posting said pictures to his "Caltrain Douchebag" photo album on Facebook. I'm sorry, there's only one douchebag on this train, and it's the dude taking pictures of strangers. POMK.

Why doesn't anyone think about ME?

When you write on a new mother's Facebook wall (who just had a baby one day before) and inquire in a rude mess of caps and lowercase as to why YOU DIDN'T get the EMAIL with the baby's picture!?!?!? Then, you say that You GOT NOTHING!!! and demand that she SEND YOU a detailed email about EVERYTHING.

POMK.

Results also show that you are 100% douchebag.

When one of those "tally your 'friends'" apps on Facebook reveals that 100% of your friends belong to the same political party that you do, because you defriend anyone who disagrees with your beliefs. POMK.

It sucks that they don't get Thanksgiving off in the UK.

When people would rather showcase their cultural ignorance on a Facebook status than do a simple Google search to actually learn something outside of their own little bubble. For example, posting "[Redacted] is wondering why so many school children aren't in school today. Is there some odd local holiday I don't know about???" is not nearly as productive as doing some quick research to reveal to yourself that today is in fact YOM KIPPUR, which is not some odd local holiday but in fact considered the holiest day of the year for people of Jewish faith. I bet you feel silly now! POMK.

Doctor Ambiguity, MD to the rescue

When people reference some sort of illness they currently have via Facebook status without elaborating on what it is, leaving a number of breathless idiots to nervously comment, "hehe r u ok?" while the rest of us pray it is not swine flu and that we don't have to see this person within the next three weeks. POMK.

Let the record show you are a douchebag

When mommybloggers [S.B.] waste the time of our courts by bringing frivolous libel claims against bloggers [M.M.] who disagree with them. What are the damages there, S.B.? That M.M. brought MORE traffic to your blog, more than you could ever imagine? That she hurt your feelings? I hope not only are you laughed out of court, but that you will have to pay M.M.'s attorney's fees (oh yes, that is a possibility; you mean your lawyer didn't inform you of it?? what a shocker!)

Maybe next time you write that sex is way more important than parenting (with details about your "cumming" habits) on your public FAMILY blog, consider that people out there are going to talk shit about you.

Oh yeah and the part where you outed M.M.'s identity to the world including her full name, city of residence and email addresses so that your minions could dig up all kinds of dirt on her? That was a class act right there.

POMK over and over again.

GO get a life.

How on weekends during college football season, my entire Facebook news feed is a series of status updates cheering/whining about college football teams for schools that my acquaintances don't even attend anymore. It gets worse when said teams are losing because suddenly the status "GO [insert college mascot here]!" is replaced by "My life is over!", "The coach should be FIRED!", or "My heart aches because the [insert college mascot here] are losing." POMK.

Really?

When people in the workplace say "It is what it is." No, it's just your personal shortcomings. POMK.