Here are some Sharpies. Go draw on Mommy's kitchen walls.

When you let your toddler type for you as you are posting on my Facebook wall and then instead of deleting the gibberish that one would expect to come from a toddler's hands getting a hold of a keyboard, you opt to post said gibberish on my wall anyway. And then you take it a step further by—instead of realizing your mistake and saving yourself from public humiliation by immediately deleting the nonsensical post—posting an addendum announcing to the world that you gave your toddler access to Facebook in the first place. If you're not going to replace my puke-covered keyboard, please at least stop cluttering my Facebook wall. POMK.

I have my own reading recommendation for you.

When people try to appear very worldly by making mass book recommendations via their Facebook statuses but they're really just announcing that they are sappy tools.

For example: "[Redacted] just finished a good read! For all you readers this is a must: Still Alice by Lisa Genova...but you must not mind stained pages from tear drops!!!" O RLY!?! Let's do a little textual analysis on this. First of all, what exactly do you mean by "all you readers"? Do you mean all people who are literate? If so, I find it rather presumptuous for you to assume that if people are literate, they will share the same literary tastes as a pregnant woman from the Central Valley. Secondly, I am pretty sure you are crying because you are pregnant and this is no indication whatsoever of the book's literary merit. Lastly, I propose a hypothetical: let's say a long lost Facebook friend in Canada takes you up on your implied offer to loan out your copy; are you really going to mail the book away? Hey, I have my own reading recommendation for you! It's this blog, and I hope it makes you cry, too.

POMK.

I'm about to kick you off my friends list.

When a person whines profusely via his Facebook updates about being unemployed and trying to find work. I'm already feeling an acidic gurgle at the back of my throat but I have to continue.

Furthermore, when I am moved to help this person by telling him about open positions at my company, and he proceeds to Facebook chat me assuming that, despite my not having talked to him for 3 years, I for some reason care about his paranoid delusions regarding how he was kicked out of art school. Things like that don't happen to normal people. Oh, and thanks for asking me how I'm doing, which you didn't. POMK.

A recent study names Fresno as the dumbest US city.

When a bunch of thirtysomething-year-old Fresnans wearing shotglass necklaces get together so they can get drunk and compare their Farmville scores. POMK.

There are worse things I can think of that also involve baseball bats.

When sports fanatics post Facebook statuses complaining about how "it's hard being married to a Yankee fan in October. Go RED SOX!" You and your spouse share a large home and beautiful children and all you have to do is bake all day and you are complaining that your marriage is HARD because you have to live with a rivaling sports fan? POMK.

Maybe you could bribe me for sympathy by buying me an iPhone.

When everyone knows you've been unemployed for almost a year and collecting government aid and you've whined to all your friends for months about how hard it is to have no job and be living with your parents but you still have the audacity to post photos of your recent vacation as well as brag about the new MacBook Pro you bought all over your status updates. Yes, the economy is shit right now, but I happen to know that others in your industry were able to find new work immediately after getting laid off, so why haven't you? Could it be because you are too busy using your unemployment money to travel the country and shop online for shiny, overpriced electronics? POMK.

Well, Brett Favre wants to come.

When in addition to threatening to report a Facebook event for being "sadistic" (see: "Wee-oo, wee-oo. The event police are here."), the same person's boyfriend, invited to the event out of courtesy, sends a rambling, incoherent private message to the event creator expounding upon such a wide variety of topics as his personal opinion of contemporary art, the problems of the world, and Brett Favre.

You know that little link under your invitation that says "Remove from my events"? Yeah, you're free to click that if you don't want to be part of the event. No need to loose the Crazy Patrol on us. POMK.

Wee-oo, wee-oo. The event police are here.

When a certain person, who should feel lucky to even be invited to such things, within 10 minutes of receiving an invitation to said event via Facebook, angrily proclaims to the person who invited her that she takes exception to his beautifully crafted event description, calling it "sadistic" and threatening to report it to Facebook for abuse. The reason? The text in the invitation, which was CLOSED to everyone except the eight friends invited ("friend" is a strong word after this incident), contained language about beating a show attendee until their face resembled a Monet. The event was an art show. And it was a joke.

Hop on board the clue train, white people. It might leave without you.

POMK.

It sucks that they don't get Thanksgiving off in the UK.

When people would rather showcase their cultural ignorance on a Facebook status than do a simple Google search to actually learn something outside of their own little bubble. For example, posting "[Redacted] is wondering why so many school children aren't in school today. Is there some odd local holiday I don't know about???" is not nearly as productive as doing some quick research to reveal to yourself that today is in fact YOM KIPPUR, which is not some odd local holiday but in fact considered the holiest day of the year for people of Jewish faith. I bet you feel silly now! POMK.

St. James would sting himself to death if he heard this.

When people not only try to drive restaurant owners out of business by being Internet trolls (see: "Thank you for your business."), but do so based on an erroneous knowledge of shellfish anatomy. Please read the following article before posting your incoherent hate.

You will see that a scallop, being a shelled animal, does not need a barb to attack enemies. POMK.

Click for the full review.

Might as well throw my biscuits, too.

People over the age of 18 who use the word "jam" to refer to a loosely organized gathering of aspiring hipsters and their musical instruments. Please get a job. POMK.

Sorry ladies, he's taken!

When you proposition girls for anal sex over gchat. POMK.

Thank you for your business.

When people have nothing better to do than begin an Internet crusade to drive a small business owner out of business after they had one poor dining experience, including opening a Yelp account solely for the purpose of writing an essay-length tirade against the place. Waiters and cooks suffer when you get your revenge, bitch. POMK