Someone get this guy a mirror and paint it red!

When a person who is an unabashed misogynist* writes a Facebook status so long that Facebook had to truncate it (see final lines of "Poll: Are you a douchebag or a Douchebag?") calling people out for being "fucking bigots and ignoramuses". True, they may live in the "fly-over states" as you so imperiously put it, and you do not, but have you considered that you're just an entitled, blue state version of the people you hate? You began with the grandiose announcement that you were done with politics because of these people. Good! The world could use less skeevy people involved in that field. But now, I wish you'd be done writing pretentious, douchey Facebook statuses too. POMK.

*ie: insinuating that your ex girlfriend dumped your abusive, sniveling ass because she got off birth control and the "hormones" made her do it. Honey if that's not ignorant, I don't know what is.

Now my keyboard and my brain need to be cleansed.

When a person uses Facebook as a vehicle to "complain" about the fact that showering with her husband saves neither water nor time and both her mother-in-law and my weird ex "like" it and then proceed to comment upon how great marital showering is. POMK.

Submitted by Élise Dashiell.

Mommy's breast milk tastes yucky.

When your husband has to leave town due to a family emergency and you announce in your Facebook status that you have "prepared for five days alone with the children by going to the grocery store and stocking up on wine." POMK.

Postscript: That in the amount of time it took me to write this entry, 2 additional people have "liked" this status, bringing the total "likes" count to 7 in the span of less than an hour since the status update was posted. POMK again.

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake...

When Facebook suggests I write on my ex-boyfriend's wall because I haven't talked to him him a while. I guess Facebook is letting me know that sufficient months have passed to begin reforming the friendship. Thank you, all powerful social networking platform! POMK.

[Note: this would be lolz if it weren't so creepy that FB recognized who I once talked a lot and then stopped talking to. Mark Z knows all my secrets.]

Poll: Are you a douchebag or a Douchebag?

When, in reply to someone's status update conducting the simple poll of which of two smartphones performs better, a person posts a Sophie's Choice-length anecdote on her own personal dilemma of deciding between the two and does not actually have any personal experience with using either to share. I am pretty sure the poll was intended for actual owners of the phones and their associates to weigh in constructively. No one needs to know that you have been planning to use your unemployment money to buy a shiny new smartphone, which you presumably need to keep your e-mail at your fingertips throughout your busy schedule of... gardening and jogging. No one needs to read twice that you have been "contemplating" the purchase, though you probably mentioned that the second time because your comment is so long that you forgot about the first time you typed it. Also, pieces of advice such as "go to the stores and play with them" or "check the data plan pricing" are not adequate substitutes for a user review because I am quite sure that the person conducting the poll is quite capable of thinking to test a phone and look at related costs before considering the purchase, thanks. See how Facebook truncates your comment and you have to click "See more" in order to read all of it? That is Facebook's way of telling you that you are a douche. POMK.

Proof: the "douche" requirement for As in law school

When you post a FB status during finals season that says your new nickname is "curve killer". Thanks for pointing out that you are a way better student than all of us. Because I couldn't have already guessed that based on the fact that you wake up before dawn so that you can be the first one to read new Supreme Court opinions published online. How do I know that? Another Facebook status you so obligingly bestowed upon all your FB friends and lowly classmates you've pushed to the bottom of the curve. Thank goodness I don't have any classes with you this year. POMK.

Did you happen to find a new keyboard in one of those "boxs"?

When an adult takes the time to scan a Kindergarten class composite photo, upload it on Facebook, and tag everyone he is still "friends" with.

Especially when one of the untagged children pictured in the photo is now deceased, and is therefore unable to open a Facebook account and post on your Wall that you are a douchebag. Or make a clever comment about how the caption "I was going through some boxs my ex wife droped off. I happen to find some old pictures." clearly indicates that your literacy has not improved much since the photo was taken. Or ask why the hell someone in his early twenties is already divorced. I guess that explains why you have so much spare time, though.

POMK.

Same insults as yesteryear, now engraved on the internets forever

When you comment on your "friend's" innocent statuses with "ur fat as fuck, u can't even see ur dick", and when other kids find this so hilarious they spell out their laughter in all caps, saying it was "a good comeback". THIS dear readers, is why high school students should not be allowed on Facebook. POMK.

Here are some Sharpies. Go draw on Mommy's kitchen walls.

When you let your toddler type for you as you are posting on my Facebook wall and then instead of deleting the gibberish that one would expect to come from a toddler's hands getting a hold of a keyboard, you opt to post said gibberish on my wall anyway. And then you take it a step further by—instead of realizing your mistake and saving yourself from public humiliation by immediately deleting the nonsensical post—posting an addendum announcing to the world that you gave your toddler access to Facebook in the first place. If you're not going to replace my puke-covered keyboard, please at least stop cluttering my Facebook wall. POMK.

If you're as mediocre of a musician as you are a person...

When a person you barely know and have not talked to in years uses Facebook to suggest you become a "fan" of her musician profile. Yes, remember that mediocre crooning she used to do? Apparently that was music! And now she's decided to become a musician. Awesome career move.

Now, you would think that if your music really isn't my thing, I could just politely ignore the request to become your "fan," right? Nope! Not when you're this full of yourself. Say hello to THREE more requests sent after each time I ignored the last request. Hey, I think I've discovered a better career for you than music! It's selling Viagra by email. POMK.

Congratulations, you're a douchebag!

When you announce your engagement to the world for the first time by changing your Facebook relationship status to "engaged" and publishing that story on your newsfeed. Sorry, but I'm not going to send my felicitations via a Facebook comment. POMK

I suggest you take your fingers out of your Harvard-drop-out ass.

The new Facebook "Suggestions" section, in which Facebook highlights one of my "friends" and points out that the two of us "haven't talked on Facebook lately" so I should poke him/her. Not only is it sickening that Facebook thinks it has any authority on whom I should be poking in my personal life, but the feature usually reminds me of people I despise, whom I have only stayed Facebook "friends" with so I can keep tabs on how shitty their lives are compared to mine. POMK.

Have a safe Halloween! Just make sure you don't run into me.

When people wish their friends a "safe Halloween" or "safe holiday season". Some well wishing sentiments are kind, and some are condescending. This fits in to the latter category.

If in fact your friend is in danger of having an unsafe Halloween, you are being a douchebag by pointing it out to her entire friends list. Plus, I doubt your status comment is going to pop into her mind in the middle of the party. If you really cared about your friend, maybe you should hang out with her and supervise her all night, you patronizing asshole.

If your friend is not the drinking/partying type and is probably going to stay in and watch movies, why are you saying this? Is it because using tool-like expressions have become so commonplace that people just write without thinking? Somebody save me. POMK.

I have my own reading recommendation for you.

When people try to appear very worldly by making mass book recommendations via their Facebook statuses but they're really just announcing that they are sappy tools.

For example: "[Redacted] just finished a good read! For all you readers this is a must: Still Alice by Lisa Genova...but you must not mind stained pages from tear drops!!!" O RLY!?! Let's do a little textual analysis on this. First of all, what exactly do you mean by "all you readers"? Do you mean all people who are literate? If so, I find it rather presumptuous for you to assume that if people are literate, they will share the same literary tastes as a pregnant woman from the Central Valley. Secondly, I am pretty sure you are crying because you are pregnant and this is no indication whatsoever of the book's literary merit. Lastly, I propose a hypothetical: let's say a long lost Facebook friend in Canada takes you up on your implied offer to loan out your copy; are you really going to mail the book away? Hey, I have my own reading recommendation for you! It's this blog, and I hope it makes you cry, too.

POMK.

Behold! The other wrong kind of English major

When you respond to friends who sent you birthday wishes on your Facebook wall by posting the most pompous status possible, sarcastically attributing your gratitude instead to "Facebook's infallible memory singly". These people meant well, so it was completely unnecessary for you to be such a dick, or to throw some hack-job rip off of T.S. Eliot's use of "you and I" in their faces. We'll see how "fondly remembered and well-wished" you are next year. POMK.

I'm about to kick you off my friends list.

When a person whines profusely via his Facebook updates about being unemployed and trying to find work. I'm already feeling an acidic gurgle at the back of my throat but I have to continue.

Furthermore, when I am moved to help this person by telling him about open positions at my company, and he proceeds to Facebook chat me assuming that, despite my not having talked to him for 3 years, I for some reason care about his paranoid delusions regarding how he was kicked out of art school. Things like that don't happen to normal people. Oh, and thanks for asking me how I'm doing, which you didn't. POMK.

And you're just another r-----

When in response to someone's status criticizing Obama, you reply:

"He's just another n------"

First of all, the word you are trying to spell actually has only six letters, not seven. Secondly, if you're going to make a statement like that, why not just spell it out entirely? At that point, why the modesty? You blushing little virgin you!

POMK.

I don't like being compared as these people.

When people who think they are proving they're clever are really just proving that they're idiots. You may have "just used a metaphore [sic] in which [you] compared [your] beliefs on teaching English as the honey that will attract [your] students, the bear, to literature aquisition [sic]" but before you get your English teaching credential, how about working on some spelling acquisition? And maybe on your prepositions? POMK.

A recent study names Fresno as the dumbest US city.

When a bunch of thirtysomething-year-old Fresnans wearing shotglass necklaces get together so they can get drunk and compare their Farmville scores. POMK.

Btw, there is no support hotline for baby troubleshooting

When people frantically contact Customer Support for their favorite Facebook game demanding help and end their e-mail by mentioning that they are pregnant with twins to stress the urgency of their situation.

That is not making me want to help you more, it is making me wonder why you care so much about a silly computer game when you should be reading a book on parenting instead. POMK.