If you're as mediocre of a musician as you are a person...

When a person you barely know and have not talked to in years uses Facebook to suggest you become a "fan" of her musician profile. Yes, remember that mediocre crooning she used to do? Apparently that was music! And now she's decided to become a musician. Awesome career move.

Now, you would think that if your music really isn't my thing, I could just politely ignore the request to become your "fan," right? Nope! Not when you're this full of yourself. Say hello to THREE more requests sent after each time I ignored the last request. Hey, I think I've discovered a better career for you than music! It's selling Viagra by email. POMK.

It's not called Pee On My Keyboard, moron

When you wake up in the middle of the night, still so drugged up and drunk that you mistake your girlfriend's laptop for a toilet, open it up like a toilet seat, and then proceed to urinate onto it until it explodes.

POM (contaminated, charred) K.

The gchat "block" feature was designed with you in mind

When you begin your gchat conversation by simply typing one word: the pornographic word for "penis". Then, when the reasonably shocked party does not respond, you follow it up with: "HUGE cock". You are a disgusting, sick individual. POMK.

And you're just another r-----

When in response to someone's status criticizing Obama, you reply:

"He's just another n------"

First of all, the word you are trying to spell actually has only six letters, not seven. Secondly, if you're going to make a statement like that, why not just spell it out entirely? At that point, why the modesty? You blushing little virgin you!

POMK.

A recent study names Fresno as the dumbest US city.

When a bunch of thirtysomething-year-old Fresnans wearing shotglass necklaces get together so they can get drunk and compare their Farmville scores. POMK.

Other synonyms: twit, tosser, douche nozzle

When you tweet cryptically about some yuppie-ass software so that you can feed your superiority complex despite how your already being renowned on the "interwebz" for your douchebaggery is bad enough. This is only COMPOUNDED by the fact that said program/software/who-gives-a-shit is entitled "Git." I don't know what "Git" does, nor do I care, but the fact that the WALKING DEFINITION of a "git" (git n. A pubescent kid who thinks it's totally cool to act like a moron on the Internet, only because no one can actually reach through the screen and punch their lights out.) wrote a tweet with multiple uses of the word brings the circle of irony to completion. POMK.

Submitted by Élise Dashiell.

Make sure you don't die on Superbowl Sunday

When someone's Facebook status reads that he just found out Patrick Swayze died and that he's so out of the loop, and a friend leaves a comment saying "R u serious? And Cal lost to USC yesterday big time if u didnt know".

A football loss is on par with death, apparently. POMK.

It'd be kind of awkward if I won, anyway.

When a certain female you used to date and are now trying to avoid because everything she says makes you want to puke on the nearest available keyboard does not realize you are blocking her on gChat and includes you in a mass email asking you to enter a male beauty pageant. How much effort does it require you to realize I may not join a beauty contest that you are judging and remove me from your email list? POMK.

Maybe you could bribe me for sympathy by buying me an iPhone.

When everyone knows you've been unemployed for almost a year and collecting government aid and you've whined to all your friends for months about how hard it is to have no job and be living with your parents but you still have the audacity to post photos of your recent vacation as well as brag about the new MacBook Pro you bought all over your status updates. Yes, the economy is shit right now, but I happen to know that others in your industry were able to find new work immediately after getting laid off, so why haven't you? Could it be because you are too busy using your unemployment money to travel the country and shop online for shiny, overpriced electronics? POMK.

Why doesn't anyone think about ME?

When you write on a new mother's Facebook wall (who just had a baby one day before) and inquire in a rude mess of caps and lowercase as to why YOU DIDN'T get the EMAIL with the baby's picture!?!?!? Then, you say that You GOT NOTHING!!! and demand that she SEND YOU a detailed email about EVERYTHING.

POMK.

Well, Brett Favre wants to come.

When in addition to threatening to report a Facebook event for being "sadistic" (see: "Wee-oo, wee-oo. The event police are here."), the same person's boyfriend, invited to the event out of courtesy, sends a rambling, incoherent private message to the event creator expounding upon such a wide variety of topics as his personal opinion of contemporary art, the problems of the world, and Brett Favre.

You know that little link under your invitation that says "Remove from my events"? Yeah, you're free to click that if you don't want to be part of the event. No need to loose the Crazy Patrol on us. POMK.

Results also show that you are 100% douchebag.

When one of those "tally your 'friends'" apps on Facebook reveals that 100% of your friends belong to the same political party that you do, because you defriend anyone who disagrees with your beliefs. POMK.

Wee-oo, wee-oo. The event police are here.

When a certain person, who should feel lucky to even be invited to such things, within 10 minutes of receiving an invitation to said event via Facebook, angrily proclaims to the person who invited her that she takes exception to his beautifully crafted event description, calling it "sadistic" and threatening to report it to Facebook for abuse. The reason? The text in the invitation, which was CLOSED to everyone except the eight friends invited ("friend" is a strong word after this incident), contained language about beating a show attendee until their face resembled a Monet. The event was an art show. And it was a joke.

Hop on board the clue train, white people. It might leave without you.

POMK.