Have a safe Halloween! Just make sure you don't run into me.

When people wish their friends a "safe Halloween" or "safe holiday season". Some well wishing sentiments are kind, and some are condescending. This fits in to the latter category.

If in fact your friend is in danger of having an unsafe Halloween, you are being a douchebag by pointing it out to her entire friends list. Plus, I doubt your status comment is going to pop into her mind in the middle of the party. If you really cared about your friend, maybe you should hang out with her and supervise her all night, you patronizing asshole.

If your friend is not the drinking/partying type and is probably going to stay in and watch movies, why are you saying this? Is it because using tool-like expressions have become so commonplace that people just write without thinking? Somebody save me. POMK.

It's not called Pee On My Keyboard, moron

When you wake up in the middle of the night, still so drugged up and drunk that you mistake your girlfriend's laptop for a toilet, open it up like a toilet seat, and then proceed to urinate onto it until it explodes.

POM (contaminated, charred) K.

I have my own reading recommendation for you.

When people try to appear very worldly by making mass book recommendations via their Facebook statuses but they're really just announcing that they are sappy tools.

For example: "[Redacted] just finished a good read! For all you readers this is a must: Still Alice by Lisa Genova...but you must not mind stained pages from tear drops!!!" O RLY!?! Let's do a little textual analysis on this. First of all, what exactly do you mean by "all you readers"? Do you mean all people who are literate? If so, I find it rather presumptuous for you to assume that if people are literate, they will share the same literary tastes as a pregnant woman from the Central Valley. Secondly, I am pretty sure you are crying because you are pregnant and this is no indication whatsoever of the book's literary merit. Lastly, I propose a hypothetical: let's say a long lost Facebook friend in Canada takes you up on your implied offer to loan out your copy; are you really going to mail the book away? Hey, I have my own reading recommendation for you! It's this blog, and I hope it makes you cry, too.


The gchat "block" feature was designed with you in mind

When you begin your gchat conversation by simply typing one word: the pornographic word for "penis". Then, when the reasonably shocked party does not respond, you follow it up with: "HUGE cock". You are a disgusting, sick individual. POMK.

Lunchtime Intolerables Hour

When a certain person thinks he is being very clever by alerting his friends he will be unavailable due to "Lunchtime Consumables Hour," a phrase apparently deriving from his native language of Douche, or perhaps Welsh, which translates to, roughly, "I'm going to spend the next 35 minutes jerking myself off in the broom closet while you destroy your personal computer with cascades of vomit."

Thanks, D-bag, you just ruined my Lunchtime Consumables Hour. Someone please do something about my keyboard. And the broom closet. POMK.

Not subtle enough.

When you set out on the town to have a lovely, romantic engagement photoshoot and your backdrop of choice is a giant phallic symbol. POMK.

Behold! The other wrong kind of English major

When you respond to friends who sent you birthday wishes on your Facebook wall by posting the most pompous status possible, sarcastically attributing your gratitude instead to "Facebook's infallible memory singly". These people meant well, so it was completely unnecessary for you to be such a dick, or to throw some hack-job rip off of T.S. Eliot's use of "you and I" in their faces. We'll see how "fondly remembered and well-wished" you are next year. POMK.

Too bad you'll be turning OLD for the rest of your life.

When I take time out of my busy day to hand-draw you an adorable, very personal, electronic birthday card and you show your appreciation by accusing me of copyright infringement. Oh wait, scratch the part about appreciation, because not once did you ever actually thank me. POMK.

I'm about to kick you off my friends list.

When a person whines profusely via his Facebook updates about being unemployed and trying to find work. I'm already feeling an acidic gurgle at the back of my throat but I have to continue.

Furthermore, when I am moved to help this person by telling him about open positions at my company, and he proceeds to Facebook chat me assuming that, despite my not having talked to him for 3 years, I for some reason care about his paranoid delusions regarding how he was kicked out of art school. Things like that don't happen to normal people. Oh, and thanks for asking me how I'm doing, which you didn't. POMK.

I prefer "rasberry" pie, personally.

When poor enunciation causes someone to believe that pumpkin is literally spelled "pumkin"—especially when that person has an English degree from an Ivy League university AND a J.D. Not only does this make me want to puke on various electronics, but all over your precious pie as well. POMK.

Indeed, you are worthy of a swift blow to the groin.

When people say "indeed" in place of "you're welcome". They are not synonymous. Whereas "you're welcome" is being polite, "indeed" is in fact code for "Look at me, I'm a douchebag!" and those are not the same. POMK.

And you're just another r-----

When in response to someone's status criticizing Obama, you reply:

"He's just another n------"

First of all, the word you are trying to spell actually has only six letters, not seven. Secondly, if you're going to make a statement like that, why not just spell it out entirely? At that point, why the modesty? You blushing little virgin you!


I don't like being compared as these people.

When people who think they are proving they're clever are really just proving that they're idiots. You may have "just used a metaphore [sic] in which [you] compared [your] beliefs on teaching English as the honey that will attract [your] students, the bear, to literature aquisition [sic]" but before you get your English teaching credential, how about working on some spelling acquisition? And maybe on your prepositions? POMK.

A recent study names Fresno as the dumbest US city.

When a bunch of thirtysomething-year-old Fresnans wearing shotglass necklaces get together so they can get drunk and compare their Farmville scores. POMK.

Oslo, I'd like my prize now please.

When a large number of people, none of whom have ever done anything close to being worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize (yelling on TV doesn't count), decide that the first African-American President of the United States has done nothing to merit this prize. I would heartily beg them to reconsider. POMK.

Btw, there is no support hotline for baby troubleshooting

When people frantically contact Customer Support for their favorite Facebook game demanding help and end their e-mail by mentioning that they are pregnant with twins to stress the urgency of their situation.

That is not making me want to help you more, it is making me wonder why you care so much about a silly computer game when you should be reading a book on parenting instead. POMK.

There are worse things I can think of that also involve baseball bats.

When sports fanatics post Facebook statuses complaining about how "it's hard being married to a Yankee fan in October. Go RED SOX!" You and your spouse share a large home and beautiful children and all you have to do is bake all day and you are complaining that your marriage is HARD because you have to live with a rivaling sports fan? POMK.

Other synonyms: twit, tosser, douche nozzle

When you tweet cryptically about some yuppie-ass software so that you can feed your superiority complex despite how your already being renowned on the "interwebz" for your douchebaggery is bad enough. This is only COMPOUNDED by the fact that said program/software/who-gives-a-shit is entitled "Git." I don't know what "Git" does, nor do I care, but the fact that the WALKING DEFINITION of a "git" (git n. A pubescent kid who thinks it's totally cool to act like a moron on the Internet, only because no one can actually reach through the screen and punch their lights out.) wrote a tweet with multiple uses of the word brings the circle of irony to completion. POMK.

Submitted by √Člise Dashiell.

Your self-esteem issues made me lose my lunch a bit.

People who need to constantly be reminded that models' photos are Photoshopped in order to be able to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror without crying their eyes out.

So, watching a video (seen here) that a teacher shared on Facebook—specifically for his high school students—of an average-looking girl who, after a great deal of makeup, styling, and then Photoshopping of the image, becomes billboard-model-worthy made your "self esteem grow a bit in the last minute"? First of all, how is it at all surprising to you that billboard images are Photoshopped? Second, why was your self esteem so low such that you needed a 1-minute video on YouTube geared towards teenage girls just to make yourself feel a bit better? You are an ADULT. What's worse, you are a MOTHER. Pull yourself together before your baby starts to develop self-esteem issues, too. Or if she does, let's hope she at least doesn't advertise them on Facebook. POMK.

He'll gladly photograph you sleeping at home, also.

When a certain person thinks he will earn the adulation of his peers for his creativity and quick wit by taking pictures of people sleeping on the train and/or taking up an extra seat during his daily commute, then posting said pictures to his "Caltrain Douchebag" photo album on Facebook. I'm sorry, there's only one douchebag on this train, and it's the dude taking pictures of strangers. POMK.

Make sure you don't die on Superbowl Sunday

When someone's Facebook status reads that he just found out Patrick Swayze died and that he's so out of the loop, and a friend leaves a comment saying "R u serious? And Cal lost to USC yesterday big time if u didnt know".

A football loss is on par with death, apparently. POMK.

Internal Memo: I vote in the negative.

When law students sign their name with "J.D. Candidate" pretending like they need to do something more than pay money to get their degrees. PhD candidates need to make significant contributions to a field before they get their diploma. JD students only need to attend class. Good thing, otherwise your JD "candidacy" would never end. Quit trying to find respect where it doesn't exist. I'm sorry you suck at life, but it isn't cute when you beg. POMK.

Submitted by Matthew Pawn.

It'd be kind of awkward if I won, anyway.

When a certain female you used to date and are now trying to avoid because everything she says makes you want to puke on the nearest available keyboard does not realize you are blocking her on gChat and includes you in a mass email asking you to enter a male beauty pageant. How much effort does it require you to realize I may not join a beauty contest that you are judging and remove me from your email list? POMK.

Maybe you could bribe me for sympathy by buying me an iPhone.

When everyone knows you've been unemployed for almost a year and collecting government aid and you've whined to all your friends for months about how hard it is to have no job and be living with your parents but you still have the audacity to post photos of your recent vacation as well as brag about the new MacBook Pro you bought all over your status updates. Yes, the economy is shit right now, but I happen to know that others in your industry were able to find new work immediately after getting laid off, so why haven't you? Could it be because you are too busy using your unemployment money to travel the country and shop online for shiny, overpriced electronics? POMK.