Objection: counsel is rubbing his gums with a stick

When your company's general counsel insists on a daily ritual taking place after lunch in which he strokes his gums using a stick with a rubber point (called a "gum stimulator") in full view of the entire office. As he moves the stick in and around his mouth, reaching into all sorts of disgusting crevices, one wonders, is it really not enough that this man, a lawyer, ruins countless lives on a daily basis, but he must also treat us all as if we were a bathroom mirror? You would have thought someone who cared this much about dental hygiene would have maybe worried just a tad about his soul, especially when he entered the legal profession. Sir, for those hard to reach places where plaque builds up, have you considered a good rinsing of formaldehyde? POMK.

I can't find that e-mail you told me to forward.

When you ask me to, if I "have a minute", forward an e-mail to your former—and my current—employer, because you "can't find her email address" and when said e-mail is asking her to write a letter to the state university where you attended a post-bac program, to testify that the training you received in that program helped you excel at your profession. It is true that it takes less than a minute to hit the Forward button but at the same time I find it entirely false to suggest that a career-enhancing post-bac program should not face closure if it can't even train you the simple practice of not losing the contact information of a former employer. I am pretty sure that such programs, if they are doing what tax payers expect them to do, should teach you that it might be wise to hold on to the contact information of your former employers so you can use them as references, or at the very least teach you how to perform a simple Google search to acquire said contact information from your former employer's website. Rather than suggesting to the university that they not cut the program you attended, I would suggest that you acquire these very simple and cost-free skills; that is, if in the event that you ever decide you don't want to be unemployed anymore. POMK.

Same insults as yesteryear, now engraved on the internets forever

When you comment on your "friend's" innocent statuses with "ur fat as fuck, u can't even see ur dick", and when other kids find this so hilarious they spell out their laughter in all caps, saying it was "a good comeback". THIS dear readers, is why high school students should not be allowed on Facebook. POMK.

Here are some Sharpies. Go draw on Mommy's kitchen walls.

When you let your toddler type for you as you are posting on my Facebook wall and then instead of deleting the gibberish that one would expect to come from a toddler's hands getting a hold of a keyboard, you opt to post said gibberish on my wall anyway. And then you take it a step further by—instead of realizing your mistake and saving yourself from public humiliation by immediately deleting the nonsensical post—posting an addendum announcing to the world that you gave your toddler access to Facebook in the first place. If you're not going to replace my puke-covered keyboard, please at least stop cluttering my Facebook wall. POMK.

If you're as mediocre of a musician as you are a person...

When a person you barely know and have not talked to in years uses Facebook to suggest you become a "fan" of her musician profile. Yes, remember that mediocre crooning she used to do? Apparently that was music! And now she's decided to become a musician. Awesome career move.

Now, you would think that if your music really isn't my thing, I could just politely ignore the request to become your "fan," right? Nope! Not when you're this full of yourself. Say hello to THREE more requests sent after each time I ignored the last request. Hey, I think I've discovered a better career for you than music! It's selling Viagra by email. POMK.

Hard to stop puking on my keyboard

Managers who signal to their employees that a decision is final by appending it with the phrase "Hard stop." As in, "We're not negotiating with them at those prices. Hard stop." Because there's no better way to signal you have absolutely no way to justify your actions and are completely clueless than to utter, "Hard stop." POMK.

Congratulations, you're a douchebag!

When you announce your engagement to the world for the first time by changing your Facebook relationship status to "engaged" and publishing that story on your newsfeed. Sorry, but I'm not going to send my felicitations via a Facebook comment. POMK

I suggest you take your fingers out of your Harvard-drop-out ass.

The new Facebook "Suggestions" section, in which Facebook highlights one of my "friends" and points out that the two of us "haven't talked on Facebook lately" so I should poke him/her. Not only is it sickening that Facebook thinks it has any authority on whom I should be poking in my personal life, but the feature usually reminds me of people I despise, whom I have only stayed Facebook "friends" with so I can keep tabs on how shitty their lives are compared to mine. POMK.

Rather not be linked in with you.

When a person who could not even handle a 4-month temp job that involved basically monkey work surfaces on LinkedIn a year later begging for attention by "recommending" a supervisor at that company. Never mind that you were fired for goofing off, talking back to another supervisor, and in general pissing off the entire team with your shoddy work and lack of effort. You're on a great ol' pedestal now, Mr. Recommender, doling out your wise evaluations.

When you write this glowing review about your supervisor, highlighting how you were "impressed by his ability to lead" and his "willingness to assist us with advice and guidance related to the tasks at hand," what do you think you're actually saying about his character? Apparently, "his character speaks volumes to his abilities as a leader." But does he need to hear that from you, really?

But think, will an outside party, perusing this supervisor's profile (who in fact happens to be excellent at his job, unlike you)--will this outside party be impressed that he was recommended by this former employee whose term at the company was 4 months? Or that this former employee has listed no employment subsequent to that, despite its being a year and a half since it concluded and implying that his belligerent, prickish ass has not managed to find itself a job yet? I guess not.

But in case they are unsure, this outside party can be reassured that your "administrative experiences have deepened and widened [your] capabilities as a self-motivated, multi-faceted, and efficient team player," according to the professional summary on your profile. Maybe they'll also buy that line about your "strong work ethic" (I'm feeling sick) or your "drive to excellence" (sicker). Or then again, maybe they'll just dismiss all that as a bunch of self-gratifying bullshit jargon that makes no sense. I recommend they choose the latter. POMK.