Someone get this guy a mirror and paint it red!

When a person who is an unabashed misogynist* writes a Facebook status so long that Facebook had to truncate it (see final lines of "Poll: Are you a douchebag or a Douchebag?") calling people out for being "fucking bigots and ignoramuses". True, they may live in the "fly-over states" as you so imperiously put it, and you do not, but have you considered that you're just an entitled, blue state version of the people you hate? You began with the grandiose announcement that you were done with politics because of these people. Good! The world could use less skeevy people involved in that field. But now, I wish you'd be done writing pretentious, douchey Facebook statuses too. POMK.

*ie: insinuating that your ex girlfriend dumped your abusive, sniveling ass because she got off birth control and the "hormones" made her do it. Honey if that's not ignorant, I don't know what is.

Now my keyboard and my brain need to be cleansed.

When a person uses Facebook as a vehicle to "complain" about the fact that showering with her husband saves neither water nor time and both her mother-in-law and my weird ex "like" it and then proceed to comment upon how great marital showering is. POMK.

Submitted by √Člise Dashiell.

Mommy's breast milk tastes yucky.

When your husband has to leave town due to a family emergency and you announce in your Facebook status that you have "prepared for five days alone with the children by going to the grocery store and stocking up on wine." POMK.

Postscript: That in the amount of time it took me to write this entry, 2 additional people have "liked" this status, bringing the total "likes" count to 7 in the span of less than an hour since the status update was posted. POMK again.

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake...

When Facebook suggests I write on my ex-boyfriend's wall because I haven't talked to him him a while. I guess Facebook is letting me know that sufficient months have passed to begin reforming the friendship. Thank you, all powerful social networking platform! POMK.

[Note: this would be lolz if it weren't so creepy that FB recognized who I once talked a lot and then stopped talking to. Mark Z knows all my secrets.]

Poll: Are you a douchebag or a Douchebag?

When, in reply to someone's status update conducting the simple poll of which of two smartphones performs better, a person posts a Sophie's Choice-length anecdote on her own personal dilemma of deciding between the two and does not actually have any personal experience with using either to share. I am pretty sure the poll was intended for actual owners of the phones and their associates to weigh in constructively. No one needs to know that you have been planning to use your unemployment money to buy a shiny new smartphone, which you presumably need to keep your e-mail at your fingertips throughout your busy schedule of... gardening and jogging. No one needs to read twice that you have been "contemplating" the purchase, though you probably mentioned that the second time because your comment is so long that you forgot about the first time you typed it. Also, pieces of advice such as "go to the stores and play with them" or "check the data plan pricing" are not adequate substitutes for a user review because I am quite sure that the person conducting the poll is quite capable of thinking to test a phone and look at related costs before considering the purchase, thanks. See how Facebook truncates your comment and you have to click "See more" in order to read all of it? That is Facebook's way of telling you that you are a douche. POMK.

Proof: the "douche" requirement for As in law school

When you post a FB status during finals season that says your new nickname is "curve killer". Thanks for pointing out that you are a way better student than all of us. Because I couldn't have already guessed that based on the fact that you wake up before dawn so that you can be the first one to read new Supreme Court opinions published online. How do I know that? Another Facebook status you so obligingly bestowed upon all your FB friends and lowly classmates you've pushed to the bottom of the curve. Thank goodness I don't have any classes with you this year. POMK.

Did you happen to find a new keyboard in one of those "boxs"?

When an adult takes the time to scan a Kindergarten class composite photo, upload it on Facebook, and tag everyone he is still "friends" with.

Especially when one of the untagged children pictured in the photo is now deceased, and is therefore unable to open a Facebook account and post on your Wall that you are a douchebag. Or make a clever comment about how the caption "I was going through some boxs my ex wife droped off. I happen to find some old pictures." clearly indicates that your literacy has not improved much since the photo was taken. Or ask why the hell someone in his early twenties is already divorced. I guess that explains why you have so much spare time, though.


Objection: counsel is rubbing his gums with a stick

When your company's general counsel insists on a daily ritual taking place after lunch in which he strokes his gums using a stick with a rubber point (called a "gum stimulator") in full view of the entire office. As he moves the stick in and around his mouth, reaching into all sorts of disgusting crevices, one wonders, is it really not enough that this man, a lawyer, ruins countless lives on a daily basis, but he must also treat us all as if we were a bathroom mirror? You would have thought someone who cared this much about dental hygiene would have maybe worried just a tad about his soul, especially when he entered the legal profession. Sir, for those hard to reach places where plaque builds up, have you considered a good rinsing of formaldehyde? POMK.

I can't find that e-mail you told me to forward.

When you ask me to, if I "have a minute", forward an e-mail to your former—and my current—employer, because you "can't find her email address" and when said e-mail is asking her to write a letter to the state university where you attended a post-bac program, to testify that the training you received in that program helped you excel at your profession. It is true that it takes less than a minute to hit the Forward button but at the same time I find it entirely false to suggest that a career-enhancing post-bac program should not face closure if it can't even train you the simple practice of not losing the contact information of a former employer. I am pretty sure that such programs, if they are doing what tax payers expect them to do, should teach you that it might be wise to hold on to the contact information of your former employers so you can use them as references, or at the very least teach you how to perform a simple Google search to acquire said contact information from your former employer's website. Rather than suggesting to the university that they not cut the program you attended, I would suggest that you acquire these very simple and cost-free skills; that is, if in the event that you ever decide you don't want to be unemployed anymore. POMK.

Same insults as yesteryear, now engraved on the internets forever

When you comment on your "friend's" innocent statuses with "ur fat as fuck, u can't even see ur dick", and when other kids find this so hilarious they spell out their laughter in all caps, saying it was "a good comeback". THIS dear readers, is why high school students should not be allowed on Facebook. POMK.