Things That Make Me POMK

Someone get this guy a mirror and paint it red!

2009-12-15T14:36:00.000-08:00

When a person who is an unabashed misogynist* writes a Facebook status so long that Facebook had to truncate it (see final lines of "Poll: Are you a douchebag or a Douchebag?") calling people out for being "fucking bigots and ignoramuses". True, they may live in the "fly-over states" as you so imperiously put it, and you do not, but have you considered that you're just an entitled, blue state version of the people you hate? You began with the grandiose announcement that you were done with politics because of these people. Good! The world could use less skeevy people involved in that field. But now, I wish you'd be done writing pretentious, douchey Facebook statuses too. POMK.

*ie: insinuating that your ex girlfriend dumped your abusive, sniveling ass because she got off birth control and the "hormones" made her do it. Honey if that's not ignorant, I don't know what is.

Now my keyboard and my brain need to be cleansed.

2009-12-14T09:08:00.000-08:00

When a person uses Facebook as a vehicle to "complain" about the fact that showering with her husband saves neither water nor time and both her mother-in-law and my weird ex "like" it and then proceed to comment upon how great marital showering is. POMK.

Submitted by Élise Dashiell.

Mommy's breast milk tastes yucky.

2009-12-11T09:56:00.000-08:00

When your husband has to leave town due to a family emergency and you announce in your Facebook status that you have "prepared for five days alone with the children by going to the grocery store and stocking up on wine." POMK.

Postscript: That in the amount of time it took me to write this entry, 2 additional people have "liked" this status, bringing the total "likes" count to 7 in the span of less than an hour since the status update was posted. POMK again.

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake...

2009-12-10T13:11:00.000-08:00

When Facebook suggests I write on my ex-boyfriend's wall because I haven't talked to him him a while. I guess Facebook is letting me know that sufficient months have passed to begin reforming the friendship. Thank you, all powerful social networking platform! POMK.

[Note: this would be lolz if it weren't so creepy that FB recognized who I once talked a lot and then stopped talking to. Mark Z knows all my secrets.]

Poll: Are you a douchebag or a Douchebag?

2009-12-09T13:03:00.000-08:00

When, in reply to someone's status update conducting the simple poll of which of two smartphones performs better, a person posts a Sophie's Choice-length anecdote on her own personal dilemma of deciding between the two and does not actually have any personal experience with using either to share. I am pretty sure the poll was intended for actual owners of the phones and their associates to weigh in constructively. No one needs to know that you have been planning to use your unemployment money to buy a shiny new smartphone, which you presumably need to keep your e-mail at your fingertips throughout your busy schedule of... gardening and jogging. No one needs to read twice that you have been "contemplating" the purchase, though you probably mentioned that the second time because your comment is so long that you forgot about the first time you typed it. Also, pieces of advice such as "go to the stores and play with them" or "check the data plan pricing" are not adequate substitutes for a user review because I am quite sure that the person conducting the poll is quite capable of thinking to test a phone and look at related costs before considering the purchase, thanks. See how Facebook truncates your comment and you have to click "See more" in order to read all of it? That is Facebook's way of telling you that you are a douche. POMK.

Proof: the "douche" requirement for As in law school

2009-12-09T00:36:00.000-08:00

When you post a FB status during finals season that says your new nickname is "curve killer". Thanks for pointing out that you are a way better student than all of us. Because I couldn't have already guessed that based on the fact that you wake up before dawn so that you can be the first one to read new Supreme Court opinions published online. How do I know that? Another Facebook status you so obligingly bestowed upon all your FB friends and lowly classmates you've pushed to the bottom of the curve. Thank goodness I don't have any classes with you this year. POMK.

Did you happen to find a new keyboard in one of those "boxs"?

2009-12-02T12:45:00.000-08:00

When an adult takes the time to scan a Kindergarten class composite photo, upload it on Facebook, and tag everyone he is still "friends" with.

Especially when one of the untagged children pictured in the photo is now deceased, and is therefore unable to open a Facebook account and post on your Wall that you are a douchebag. Or make a clever comment about how the caption "I was going through some boxs my ex wife droped off. I happen to find some old pictures." clearly indicates that your literacy has not improved much since the photo was taken. Or ask why the hell someone in his early twenties is already divorced. I guess that explains why you have so much spare time, though.

POMK.

Objection: counsel is rubbing his gums with a stick

2009-11-30T22:38:00.000-08:00

When your company's general counsel insists on a daily ritual taking place after lunch in which he strokes his gums using a stick with a rubber point (called a "gum stimulator") in full view of the entire office. As he moves the stick in and around his mouth, reaching into all sorts of disgusting crevices, one wonders, is it really not enough that this man, a lawyer, ruins countless lives on a daily basis, but he must also treat us all as if we were a bathroom mirror? You would have thought someone who cared this much about dental hygiene would have maybe worried just a tad about his soul, especially when he entered the legal profession. Sir, for those hard to reach places where plaque builds up, have you considered a good rinsing of formaldehyde? POMK.

I can't find that e-mail you told me to forward.

2009-11-28T16:39:00.000-08:00

When you ask me to, if I "have a minute", forward an e-mail to your former—and my current—employer, because you "can't find her email address" and when said e-mail is asking her to write a letter to the state university where you attended a post-bac program, to testify that the training you received in that program helped you excel at your profession. It is true that it takes less than a minute to hit the Forward button but at the same time I find it entirely false to suggest that a career-enhancing post-bac program should not face closure if it can't even train you the simple practice of not losing the contact information of a former employer. I am pretty sure that such programs, if they are doing what tax payers expect them to do, should teach you that it might be wise to hold on to the contact information of your former employers so you can use them as references, or at the very least teach you how to perform a simple Google search to acquire said contact information from your former employer's website. Rather than suggesting to the university that they not cut the program you attended, I would suggest that you acquire these very simple and cost-free skills; that is, if in the event that you ever decide you don't want to be unemployed anymore. POMK.

Same insults as yesteryear, now engraved on the internets forever

2009-11-25T21:38:00.001-08:00

When you comment on your "friend's" innocent statuses with "ur fat as fuck, u can't even see ur dick", and when other kids find this so hilarious they spell out their laughter in all caps, saying it was "a good comeback". THIS dear readers, is why high school students should not be allowed on Facebook. POMK.

Here are some Sharpies. Go draw on Mommy's kitchen walls.

2009-11-16T10:11:00.000-08:00

When you let your toddler type for you as you are posting on my Facebook wall and then instead of deleting the gibberish that one would expect to come from a toddler's hands getting a hold of a keyboard, you opt to post said gibberish on my wall anyway. And then you take it a step further by—instead of realizing your mistake and saving yourself from public humiliation by immediately deleting the nonsensical post—posting an addendum announcing to the world that you gave your toddler access to Facebook in the first place. If you're not going to replace my puke-covered keyboard, please at least stop cluttering my Facebook wall. POMK.

If you're as mediocre of a musician as you are a person...

2009-11-15T18:21:00.000-08:00

When a person you barely know and have not talked to in years uses Facebook to suggest you become a "fan" of her musician profile. Yes, remember that mediocre crooning she used to do? Apparently that was music! And now she's decided to become a musician. Awesome career move.

Now, you would think that if your music really isn't my thing, I could just politely ignore the request to become your "fan," right? Nope! Not when you're this full of yourself. Say hello to THREE more requests sent after each time I ignored the last request. Hey, I think I've discovered a better career for you than music! It's selling Viagra by email. POMK.

Hard to stop puking on my keyboard

2009-11-07T16:13:00.000-08:00

Managers who signal to their employees that a decision is final by appending it with the phrase "Hard stop." As in, "We're not negotiating with them at those prices. Hard stop." Because there's no better way to signal you have absolutely no way to justify your actions and are completely clueless than to utter, "Hard stop." POMK.

Congratulations, you're a douchebag!

2009-11-04T19:57:00.000-08:00

When you announce your engagement to the world for the first time by changing your Facebook relationship status to "engaged" and publishing that story on your newsfeed. Sorry, but I'm not going to send my felicitations via a Facebook comment. POMK

I suggest you take your fingers out of your Harvard-drop-out ass.

2009-11-02T12:51:00.000-08:00

The new Facebook "Suggestions" section, in which Facebook highlights one of my "friends" and points out that the two of us "haven't talked on Facebook lately" so I should poke him/her. Not only is it sickening that Facebook thinks it has any authority on whom I should be poking in my personal life, but the feature usually reminds me of people I despise, whom I have only stayed Facebook "friends" with so I can keep tabs on how shitty their lives are compared to mine. POMK.

Rather not be linked in with you.

2009-11-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

When a person who could not even handle a 4-month temp job that involved basically monkey work surfaces on LinkedIn a year later begging for attention by "recommending" a supervisor at that company. Never mind that you were fired for goofing off, talking back to another supervisor, and in general pissing off the entire team with your shoddy work and lack of effort. You're on a great ol' pedestal now, Mr. Recommender, doling out your wise evaluations.

When you write this glowing review about your supervisor, highlighting how you were "impressed by his ability to lead" and his "willingness to assist us with advice and guidance related to the tasks at hand," what do you think you're actually saying about his character? Apparently, "his character speaks volumes to his abilities as a leader." But does he need to hear that from you, really?

But think, will an outside party, perusing this supervisor's profile (who in fact happens to be excellent at his job, unlike you)--will this outside party be impressed that he was recommended by this former employee whose term at the company was 4 months? Or that this former employee has listed no employment subsequent to that, despite its being a year and a half since it concluded and implying that his belligerent, prickish ass has not managed to find itself a job yet? I guess not.

But in case they are unsure, this outside party can be reassured that your "administrative experiences have deepened and widened [your] capabilities as a self-motivated, multi-faceted, and efficient team player," according to the professional summary on your profile. Maybe they'll also buy that line about your "strong work ethic" (I'm feeling sick) or your "drive to excellence" (sicker). Or then again, maybe they'll just dismiss all that as a bunch of self-gratifying bullshit jargon that makes no sense. I recommend they choose the latter. POMK.

Have a safe Halloween! Just make sure you don't run into me.

2009-10-30T15:02:00.000-07:00

When people wish their friends a "safe Halloween" or "safe holiday season". Some well wishing sentiments are kind, and some are condescending. This fits in to the latter category.

If in fact your friend is in danger of having an unsafe Halloween, you are being a douchebag by pointing it out to her entire friends list. Plus, I doubt your status comment is going to pop into her mind in the middle of the party. If you really cared about your friend, maybe you should hang out with her and supervise her all night, you patronizing asshole.

If your friend is not the drinking/partying type and is probably going to stay in and watch movies, why are you saying this? Is it because using tool-like expressions have become so commonplace that people just write without thinking? Somebody save me. POMK.

It's not called Pee On My Keyboard, moron

2009-10-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

When you wake up in the middle of the night, still so drugged up and drunk that you mistake your girlfriend's laptop for a toilet, open it up like a toilet seat, and then proceed to urinate onto it until it explodes.

POM (contaminated, charred) K.

I have my own reading recommendation for you.

2009-10-25T00:03:00.000-07:00

When people try to appear very worldly by making mass book recommendations via their Facebook statuses but they're really just announcing that they are sappy tools.

For example: "[Redacted] just finished a good read! For all you readers this is a must: Still Alice by Lisa Genova...but you must not mind stained pages from tear drops!!!" O RLY!?! Let's do a little textual analysis on this. First of all, what exactly do you mean by "all you readers"? Do you mean all people who are literate? If so, I find it rather presumptuous for you to assume that if people are literate, they will share the same literary tastes as a pregnant woman from the Central Valley. Secondly, I am pretty sure you are crying because you are pregnant and this is no indication whatsoever of the book's literary merit. Lastly, I propose a hypothetical: let's say a long lost Facebook friend in Canada takes you up on your implied offer to loan out your copy; are you really going to mail the book away? Hey, I have my own reading recommendation for you! It's this blog, and I hope it makes you cry, too.

POMK.

The gchat "block" feature was designed with you in mind

2009-10-24T16:04:00.000-07:00

When you begin your gchat conversation by simply typing one word: the pornographic word for "penis". Then, when the reasonably shocked party does not respond, you follow it up with: "HUGE cock". You are a disgusting, sick individual. POMK.

Lunchtime Intolerables Hour

2009-10-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

When a certain person thinks he is being very clever by alerting his friends he will be unavailable due to "Lunchtime Consumables Hour," a phrase apparently deriving from his native language of Douche, or perhaps Welsh, which translates to, roughly, "I'm going to spend the next 35 minutes jerking myself off in the broom closet while you destroy your personal computer with cascades of vomit."

Thanks, D-bag, you just ruined my Lunchtime Consumables Hour. Someone please do something about my keyboard. And the broom closet. POMK.

Not subtle enough.

2009-10-21T11:07:00.001-07:00

When you set out on the town to have a lovely, romantic engagement photoshoot and your backdrop of choice is a giant phallic symbol. POMK.

Behold! The other wrong kind of English major

2009-10-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

When you respond to friends who sent you birthday wishes on your Facebook wall by posting the most pompous status possible, sarcastically attributing your gratitude instead to "Facebook's infallible memory singly". These people meant well, so it was completely unnecessary for you to be such a dick, or to throw some hack-job rip off of T.S. Eliot's use of "you and I" in their faces. We'll see how "fondly remembered and well-wished" you are next year. POMK.

Too bad you'll be turning OLD for the rest of your life.

2009-10-20T10:02:00.000-07:00

When I take time out of my busy day to hand-draw you an adorable, very personal, electronic birthday card and you show your appreciation by accusing me of copyright infringement. Oh wait, scratch the part about appreciation, because not once did you ever actually thank me. POMK.

I'm about to kick you off my friends list.

2009-10-15T10:40:00.000-07:00

When a person whines profusely via his Facebook updates about being unemployed and trying to find work. I'm already feeling an acidic gurgle at the back of my throat but I have to continue.

Furthermore, when I am moved to help this person by telling him about open positions at my company, and he proceeds to Facebook chat me assuming that, despite my not having talked to him for 3 years, I for some reason care about his paranoid delusions regarding how he was kicked out of art school. Things like that don't happen to normal people. Oh, and thanks for asking me how I'm doing, which you didn't. POMK.

I prefer "rasberry" pie, personally.

2009-10-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

When poor enunciation causes someone to believe that pumpkin is literally spelled "pumkin"—especially when that person has an English degree from an Ivy League university AND a J.D. Not only does this make me want to puke on various electronics, but all over your precious pie as well. POMK.

Indeed, you are worthy of a swift blow to the groin.

2009-10-14T15:14:00.000-07:00

When people say "indeed" in place of "you're welcome". They are not synonymous. Whereas "you're welcome" is being polite, "indeed" is in fact code for "Look at me, I'm a douchebag!" and those are not the same. POMK.

And you're just another r-----

2009-10-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

When in response to someone's status criticizing Obama, you reply:

"He's just another n------"

First of all, the word you are trying to spell actually has only six letters, not seven. Secondly, if you're going to make a statement like that, why not just spell it out entirely? At that point, why the modesty? You blushing little virgin you!

POMK.

I don't like being compared as these people.

2009-10-12T08:41:00.000-07:00

When people who think they are proving they're clever are really just proving that they're idiots. You may have "just used a metaphore [sic] in which [you] compared [your] beliefs on teaching English as the honey that will attract [your] students, the bear, to literature aquisition [sic]" but before you get your English teaching credential, how about working on some spelling acquisition? And maybe on your prepositions? POMK.

A recent study names Fresno as the dumbest US city.

2009-10-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

When a bunch of thirtysomething-year-old Fresnans wearing shotglass necklaces get together so they can get drunk and compare their Farmville scores. POMK.

Oslo, I'd like my prize now please.

2009-10-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

When a large number of people, none of whom have ever done anything close to being worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize (yelling on TV doesn't count), decide that the first African-American President of the United States has done nothing to merit this prize. I would heartily beg them to reconsider. POMK.

Btw, there is no support hotline for baby troubleshooting

2009-10-09T22:49:00.000-07:00

When people frantically contact Customer Support for their favorite Facebook game demanding help and end their e-mail by mentioning that they are pregnant with twins to stress the urgency of their situation.

That is not making me want to help you more, it is making me wonder why you care so much about a silly computer game when you should be reading a book on parenting instead. POMK.

There are worse things I can think of that also involve baseball bats.

2009-10-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

When sports fanatics post Facebook statuses complaining about how "it's hard being married to a Yankee fan in October. Go RED SOX!" You and your spouse share a large home and beautiful children and all you have to do is bake all day and you are complaining that your marriage is HARD because you have to live with a rivaling sports fan? POMK.

Other synonyms: twit, tosser, douche nozzle

2009-10-08T20:42:00.000-07:00

When you tweet cryptically about some yuppie-ass software so that you can feed your superiority complex despite how your already being renowned on the "interwebz" for your douchebaggery is bad enough. This is only COMPOUNDED by the fact that said program/software/who-gives-a-shit is entitled "Git." I don't know what "Git" does, nor do I care, but the fact that the WALKING DEFINITION of a "git" (git n. A pubescent kid who thinks it's totally cool to act like a moron on the Internet, only because no one can actually reach through the screen and punch their lights out.) wrote a tweet with multiple uses of the word brings the circle of irony to completion. POMK.

Submitted by Élise Dashiell.

Your self-esteem issues made me lose my lunch a bit.

2009-10-07T18:59:00.000-07:00

People who need to constantly be reminded that models' photos are Photoshopped in order to be able to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror without crying their eyes out.

So, watching a video (seen here) that a teacher shared on Facebook—specifically for his high school students—of an average-looking girl who, after a great deal of makeup, styling, and then Photoshopping of the image, becomes billboard-model-worthy made your "self esteem grow a bit in the last minute"? First of all, how is it at all surprising to you that billboard images are Photoshopped? Second, why was your self esteem so low such that you needed a 1-minute video on YouTube geared towards teenage girls just to make yourself feel a bit better? You are an ADULT. What's worse, you are a MOTHER. Pull yourself together before your baby starts to develop self-esteem issues, too. Or if she does, let's hope she at least doesn't advertise them on Facebook. POMK.

He'll gladly photograph you sleeping at home, also.

2009-10-06T12:11:00.000-07:00

When a certain person thinks he will earn the adulation of his peers for his creativity and quick wit by taking pictures of people sleeping on the train and/or taking up an extra seat during his daily commute, then posting said pictures to his "Caltrain Douchebag" photo album on Facebook. I'm sorry, there's only one douchebag on this train, and it's the dude taking pictures of strangers. POMK.

Make sure you don't die on Superbowl Sunday

2009-10-04T11:12:00.000-07:00

When someone's Facebook status reads that he just found out Patrick Swayze died and that he's so out of the loop, and a friend leaves a comment saying "R u serious? And Cal lost to USC yesterday big time if u didnt know".

A football loss is on par with death, apparently. POMK.

Internal Memo: I vote in the negative.

2009-10-03T14:57:00.000-07:00

When law students sign their name with "J.D. Candidate" pretending like they need to do something more than pay money to get their degrees. PhD candidates need to make significant contributions to a field before they get their diploma. JD students only need to attend class. Good thing, otherwise your JD "candidacy" would never end. Quit trying to find respect where it doesn't exist. I'm sorry you suck at life, but it isn't cute when you beg. POMK.

Submitted by Matthew Pawn.

It'd be kind of awkward if I won, anyway.

2009-10-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

When a certain female you used to date and are now trying to avoid because everything she says makes you want to puke on the nearest available keyboard does not realize you are blocking her on gChat and includes you in a mass email asking you to enter a male beauty pageant. How much effort does it require you to realize I may not join a beauty contest that you are judging and remove me from your email list? POMK.

Maybe you could bribe me for sympathy by buying me an iPhone.

2009-10-01T12:18:00.000-07:00

When everyone knows you've been unemployed for almost a year and collecting government aid and you've whined to all your friends for months about how hard it is to have no job and be living with your parents but you still have the audacity to post photos of your recent vacation as well as brag about the new MacBook Pro you bought all over your status updates. Yes, the economy is shit right now, but I happen to know that others in your industry were able to find new work immediately after getting laid off, so why haven't you? Could it be because you are too busy using your unemployment money to travel the country and shop online for shiny, overpriced electronics? POMK.

Why doesn't anyone think about ME?

2009-09-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

When you write on a new mother's Facebook wall (who just had a baby one day before) and inquire in a rude mess of caps and lowercase as to why YOU DIDN'T get the EMAIL with the baby's picture!?!?!? Then, you say that You GOT NOTHING!!! and demand that she SEND YOU a detailed email about EVERYTHING.

POMK.

Well, Brett Favre wants to come.

2009-09-30T15:09:00.000-07:00

When in addition to threatening to report a Facebook event for being "sadistic" (see: "Wee-oo, wee-oo. The event police are here."), the same person's boyfriend, invited to the event out of courtesy, sends a rambling, incoherent private message to the event creator expounding upon such a wide variety of topics as his personal opinion of contemporary art, the problems of the world, and Brett Favre.

You know that little link under your invitation that says "Remove from my events"? Yeah, you're free to click that if you don't want to be part of the event. No need to loose the Crazy Patrol on us. POMK.

Results also show that you are 100% douchebag.

2009-09-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

When one of those "tally your 'friends'" apps on Facebook reveals that 100% of your friends belong to the same political party that you do, because you defriend anyone who disagrees with your beliefs. POMK.

Wee-oo, wee-oo. The event police are here.

2009-09-28T22:09:00.000-07:00

When a certain person, who should feel lucky to even be invited to such things, within 10 minutes of receiving an invitation to said event via Facebook, angrily proclaims to the person who invited her that she takes exception to his beautifully crafted event description, calling it "sadistic" and threatening to report it to Facebook for abuse. The reason? The text in the invitation, which was CLOSED to everyone except the eight friends invited ("friend" is a strong word after this incident), contained language about beating a show attendee until their face resembled a Monet. The event was an art show. And it was a joke.

Hop on board the clue train, white people. It might leave without you.

POMK.

It sucks that they don't get Thanksgiving off in the UK.

2009-09-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

When people would rather showcase their cultural ignorance on a Facebook status than do a simple Google search to actually learn something outside of their own little bubble. For example, posting "[Redacted] is wondering why so many school children aren't in school today. Is there some odd local holiday I don't know about???" is not nearly as productive as doing some quick research to reveal to yourself that today is in fact YOM KIPPUR, which is not some odd local holiday but in fact considered the holiest day of the year for people of Jewish faith. I bet you feel silly now! POMK.

Doctor Ambiguity, MD to the rescue

2009-09-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

When people reference some sort of illness they currently have via Facebook status without elaborating on what it is, leaving a number of breathless idiots to nervously comment, "hehe r u ok?" while the rest of us pray it is not swine flu and that we don't have to see this person within the next three weeks. POMK.

Let the record show you are a douchebag

2009-09-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

When mommybloggers [S.B.] waste the time of our courts by bringing frivolous libel claims against bloggers [M.M.] who disagree with them. What are the damages there, S.B.? That M.M. brought MORE traffic to your blog, more than you could ever imagine? That she hurt your feelings? I hope not only are you laughed out of court, but that you will have to pay M.M.'s attorney's fees (oh yes, that is a possibility; you mean your lawyer didn't inform you of it?? what a shocker!)

Maybe next time you write that sex is way more important than parenting (with details about your "cumming" habits) on your public FAMILY blog, consider that people out there are going to talk shit about you.

Oh yeah and the part where you outed M.M.'s identity to the world including her full name, city of residence and email addresses so that your minions could dig up all kinds of dirt on her? That was a class act right there.

POMK over and over again.

GO get a life.

2009-09-26T16:10:00.001-07:00

How on weekends during college football season, my entire Facebook news feed is a series of status updates cheering/whining about college football teams for schools that my acquaintances don't even attend anymore. It gets worse when said teams are losing because suddenly the status "GO [insert college mascot here]!" is replaced by "My life is over!", "The coach should be FIRED!", or "My heart aches because the [insert college mascot here] are losing." POMK.

St. James would sting himself to death if he heard this.

2009-09-25T22:56:00.000-07:00

When people not only try to drive restaurant owners out of business by being Internet trolls (see: "Thank you for your business."), but do so based on an erroneous knowledge of shellfish anatomy. Please read the following article before posting your incoherent hate.

You will see that a scallop, being a shelled animal, does not need a barb to attack enemies. POMK.

Click for the full review.

Might as well throw my biscuits, too.

2009-09-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

People over the age of 18 who use the word "jam" to refer to a loosely organized gathering of aspiring hipsters and their musical instruments. Please get a job. POMK.

New money, ugh

2009-09-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

When you spend $5000 on your engagement photoshoot and your outfit of choice is a paisley mu-mu. POMK.

Maybe you should have spent less time on Facebook.

2009-09-25T11:03:00.000-07:00

Stay-at-home parents who spend more time updating their Facebook statuses to tell the world what bad parents they are than they spend actually parenting their children. I fail to see how posting that you're in the hospital with yet another sick child or that you are "feeling like the worst parent in the world right now" is at all constructive, unless you think that your mommy group friends turning their backs on their children to get on their computers and reassure you that you're not a bad parent somehow magically makes you a better parent after all. Here's some advice: It doesn't.

Even if one of those friends posts a novella-length anecdotal response about how she accidentally dropped her daughter onto the ground head-first that concludes with "I'm gonna call the child protective services and turn myself in now". POMK.

Sorry ladies, he's taken!

2009-09-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

When you proposition girls for anal sex over gchat. POMK.

Thank you for your business.

2009-09-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

When people have nothing better to do than begin an Internet crusade to drive a small business owner out of business after they had one poor dining experience, including opening a Yelp account solely for the purpose of writing an essay-length tirade against the place. Waiters and cooks suffer when you get your revenge, bitch. POMK

Your stork must have brought you a bag of douche.

2009-09-24T16:53:00.000-07:00

When I found out about the birth of my new nephew-in-law via the omni-presence of an uninvolved relative on my Facebook news feed. Way to steal the new parents' thunder on that one. POMK.

Really?

2009-09-24T16:11:00.000-07:00

When people in the workplace say "It is what it is." No, it's just your personal shortcomings. POMK.

The POMK that launched a thousand shits (aka: this site)

2009-09-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

When law students use class time to engage in even nerdier law related activities, like reading from the New England First Amendment Center's blog. 'Cause class just wasn't enough for you. POMK.